During this time my grades at school had started to suffer tremendously and I eventually just dropped out instead of flunking out. I was working as a shift supervisor at Long John Silver's at this time at a store near Ellettsville. I became good friends with another shift supervisor. She was like my big sister since I was not able to see my sisters everyday. I liked living in Bloomington. There were always things to do. I liked the freedom of being able to come and go as I pleased without having to answer to anyone (the high school boyfriend was more of a pest at this point than an actual boyfriend). "Jill" introduced me to her brother--who she was determined to fix me up with. I had told everyone that I was single and while it was technically a lie, in my heart it was the truth. I didn't want to be with the high school boyfriend anymore. I was 20 years old and desperately wanted to move on but was afraid to be alone again. I think subconsciously I was doing whatever I could to make him pissed off enough to just leave without me having to tell him it was over. I didn't want it to be on my shoulders (though I wanted him gone desperately).
I went out with Jill's brother. The problem: He was a good 20 years older than me and was a big time partier. It bothered him that I couldn't go to bars and drink legally. So that never went anywhere. Didn't stop Jill. She had another brother (three years older than the first one) "Dan" who didn't party. He remined me of Chuck Norris---he was 43 but totally sexy. We started dating. He owned property in the country. I loved it out there. I pretty much lived with him for the entire 6 months we were together. I never allowed him to come to my apartment because I didn't want him to know that the high school boyfriend was living there. He was the jealous type and would not understand that there was nothing going on there. I remember the times Dan would come to Long John Silver's when I was working just to make sure no one hit on me. There was an incident once when a customer was a little too friendly for Dan's taste and Dan, being 6 foot 5, practically threw the guy out the glass doors. I loved the attention Dan gave me. He had to know where I was 24 hours a day. He had to know my work schedule and if I didn't call him at least five times a day to let him know where I was he would get angry. He never hit me, but there was emotional abuse involved.
You have to know that when all this was going on, I was about 120 pounds. I was blond, blue eyed and young. To Dan, I was a trophy. He would often take me out on his motorcycle (after having me dress in pretty skimpy clothes) and just drive by his friends and co-workers houses just to show me off. Of course, with the self-esteem issues I had going on, I absolutely loved this attention and it did not bother me at all that he thought of me as a trophy or piece of meat. He loved me......it would work out.
Don't get me wrong, he did do romantic things for me. He bought me a beautiful white horse. She was all mine. He cooked for me alot. But of course there was a price for these things and the price was, of course, sex. Anytime he wanted. And I had to wear skimpy little clothes that barely covered anything at all.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
In The Beginning
I had a pretty good childhood. My parents were very hardworking. In fact, my dad is still working at 72 years of age. He is an alcoholic and at times was very loving, but he was extremely temperamental and it didn't take much to make him mad. It was very hard growing up with an alcoholic father, though most people would use the term "functional alcoholic" to describe him. He and my mother have been married for 35 years. I have two sisters, Jennifer and Lori. My sister Jennifer was already out of the house and married by the time I was three or four. Growing up, my sister Lori and I didn't have the best clothes. Mom and dad did their best, but just didn't make a lot of money for the best things. As a result, we got picked on a lot at school. We made the best of what we had and stuck together. But kids can be cruel. We certainly weren't in the popular crowd and only had one really close friend other than each other. I remember my senior year of high school when I got my first serious boyfriend. He was the brother of a friend of mine. He was 23; I was 17. My parents absolutely freaked and had forbidden me from seeing him. But I rebelled and continued the relationship; I was turning 18 soon and they weren't going to stop me.
Things got a little better once I graduated high school. I got accepted to Indiana University in Bloomington and my goal was law school. I remember checking into the dorms and being excited and nervous at the same time. I was barely 18 and had never been away from home before. I was also sad because I was so close to my sister and my boyfriend. My first week there was exciting. I worked through my homesickness. I had made some friends on my floor. One, in particular, was a girl named Aileen. She was a sophomore and had kind of taken me under her wing. She was pretty and popular and knew some guys in a fraternity house. She took me there one night and while we were waiting on her friend to come back to his room, I met a guy who I will call "Bob". Bob was very good-looking, well-dressed, well-spoken and I could tell he came from a good family background. He squeezed his way between me and Aileen on the couch and actually started talking to me. He seemed interested in me. I had a very low opinion of myself. I didn't think I was attractive in the least, but Bob seemed very attracted to me. He invited me over to the frat house again--alone.
The next time I went over there, Bob picked me up. He helped me with my math homework (because I am horrible with math) and we talked and got to know each other more. Then he invited me to a party! I was extremely excited. My first college party! During the days before the party, Bob did his best to, for lack of a better term, get in my pants. But I resisted because I was still in a relationship with my first boyfriend. However, the night of the party with a combination of too much alcohol and all the right things he said, I caved. We started dating after that night. I still talked to my high school boyfriend, but had pretty much let him go.
Bob and I dated for about 6 months. I was truly in love with him. My friends from the dorm said he was just a typical fraternity guy--a user and a jerk who was treating me like crap. He demanded I be by his side or at the frat house at all times when I wasn't in class. I didn't see this as control. I saw this as love. Sure, he didn't treat me great, but he accepted me. When he counted every calorie I ate and made rude comments to me, I saw this as motivation. I stopped eating and lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks. Again, I didn't see this as control or emotional abuse. I got the attention I craved. I didn't have that much experience with men at this point having had only one previous boyfriend, so I either chose to ignore it or just truly did not see it. Bob didn't even try to hide the fact that he saw other girls. He seemed proud of it. I didn't care. I clung to him like he was king. And he was. For a girl who wasn't the prettiest or skinniest or most popular girl in school, I was thrilled that a good-looking guy like Bob was interested in me.
During the time I was with Bob, I began to have nightmares. In the nightmares, I saw me as a child. I was crouched in a barn playing hide and seek. As I was waiting for the "seeker" to find me, these two very large hands reach out menacingly and try to grab me. They are monster hands. I can't make out who they belong to, but I can see that they are large and scary. I would always wake up in a sweat clutching my pillow. I felt certain I screamed out before I woke, but no one ever said anything.
Bob and I split up. I don't even remember what caused the break up I just know I was heartbroken. As an act of revenge, I went out with another member of the fraternity. But that was just one date and nothing happened with it. So, I went back to my high school boyfriend, who by now was a raging alcoholic. But I couldn't stand to be alone. No matter what.
I had managed to talk my parents into letting me move into an off-campus apartment my second year at I. U. They bought me furniture and helped me move in. Against their wishes and without their knowledge, I moved in my high school boyfriend. He continued his heavy drinking and eventually began using me as a punching bag. Living almost two hours from my parents and sisters, no one saw the bruises he left. I hid them well. Of course, I wasn't totally faithful to him. I saw other guys. Lots of other guys while dating him. He knew about them. He tolerated it because he had the same esteem issues I had. He didn't want to be alone either. I think I felt guilty because I wasn't faithful and that, coupled with the even lower self-esteem I got from the beatings, is the reason I didn't tell anyone about the beatings.
I still continued to have my nightmares. Only more things were occurring in them now. I was about six years old. I now remembered that the hands were touching me in "bad places". I still didn't see the face clearly but the memories were getting more vivid.
Things got a little better once I graduated high school. I got accepted to Indiana University in Bloomington and my goal was law school. I remember checking into the dorms and being excited and nervous at the same time. I was barely 18 and had never been away from home before. I was also sad because I was so close to my sister and my boyfriend. My first week there was exciting. I worked through my homesickness. I had made some friends on my floor. One, in particular, was a girl named Aileen. She was a sophomore and had kind of taken me under her wing. She was pretty and popular and knew some guys in a fraternity house. She took me there one night and while we were waiting on her friend to come back to his room, I met a guy who I will call "Bob". Bob was very good-looking, well-dressed, well-spoken and I could tell he came from a good family background. He squeezed his way between me and Aileen on the couch and actually started talking to me. He seemed interested in me. I had a very low opinion of myself. I didn't think I was attractive in the least, but Bob seemed very attracted to me. He invited me over to the frat house again--alone.
The next time I went over there, Bob picked me up. He helped me with my math homework (because I am horrible with math) and we talked and got to know each other more. Then he invited me to a party! I was extremely excited. My first college party! During the days before the party, Bob did his best to, for lack of a better term, get in my pants. But I resisted because I was still in a relationship with my first boyfriend. However, the night of the party with a combination of too much alcohol and all the right things he said, I caved. We started dating after that night. I still talked to my high school boyfriend, but had pretty much let him go.
Bob and I dated for about 6 months. I was truly in love with him. My friends from the dorm said he was just a typical fraternity guy--a user and a jerk who was treating me like crap. He demanded I be by his side or at the frat house at all times when I wasn't in class. I didn't see this as control. I saw this as love. Sure, he didn't treat me great, but he accepted me. When he counted every calorie I ate and made rude comments to me, I saw this as motivation. I stopped eating and lost 20 pounds in 2 weeks. Again, I didn't see this as control or emotional abuse. I got the attention I craved. I didn't have that much experience with men at this point having had only one previous boyfriend, so I either chose to ignore it or just truly did not see it. Bob didn't even try to hide the fact that he saw other girls. He seemed proud of it. I didn't care. I clung to him like he was king. And he was. For a girl who wasn't the prettiest or skinniest or most popular girl in school, I was thrilled that a good-looking guy like Bob was interested in me.
During the time I was with Bob, I began to have nightmares. In the nightmares, I saw me as a child. I was crouched in a barn playing hide and seek. As I was waiting for the "seeker" to find me, these two very large hands reach out menacingly and try to grab me. They are monster hands. I can't make out who they belong to, but I can see that they are large and scary. I would always wake up in a sweat clutching my pillow. I felt certain I screamed out before I woke, but no one ever said anything.
Bob and I split up. I don't even remember what caused the break up I just know I was heartbroken. As an act of revenge, I went out with another member of the fraternity. But that was just one date and nothing happened with it. So, I went back to my high school boyfriend, who by now was a raging alcoholic. But I couldn't stand to be alone. No matter what.
I had managed to talk my parents into letting me move into an off-campus apartment my second year at I. U. They bought me furniture and helped me move in. Against their wishes and without their knowledge, I moved in my high school boyfriend. He continued his heavy drinking and eventually began using me as a punching bag. Living almost two hours from my parents and sisters, no one saw the bruises he left. I hid them well. Of course, I wasn't totally faithful to him. I saw other guys. Lots of other guys while dating him. He knew about them. He tolerated it because he had the same esteem issues I had. He didn't want to be alone either. I think I felt guilty because I wasn't faithful and that, coupled with the even lower self-esteem I got from the beatings, is the reason I didn't tell anyone about the beatings.
I still continued to have my nightmares. Only more things were occurring in them now. I was about six years old. I now remembered that the hands were touching me in "bad places". I still didn't see the face clearly but the memories were getting more vivid.
Background
When I first decided to start my blog, I wasn't sure how personal I wanted to get. There a lot of things in my past that have happened that only a few people know, and things no one knows. I am generally a very private person and don't like to share personal things with others. Because of this, I keep things to myself and tend to let them fester until I explode and takes things out on other people. I don't like this about myself and try to share more things that are going on, that I am worried about, things that bother me. Part of my problem with this is that I don't like to burden other people with my issues. But if I want to get all these thoughts out of my head and keep them from interfering with my daily life, I need to get a little personal. Now comes the warning: The things I am about to post in my blog are things I have never shared with anyone or very few people. I am going to shock some people with some of the things I will post here. I may offend some people. I don't mean to offend, but like I said, this blog is meant to be a sort of therapy for me and my outlet for getting these torturous thoughts to go away. I will change names to protect certain people, but this is my life. It is raw. It is crazy. It is me.
Friday, November 12, 2010
The Basics
With this being my first post, I will just give some basic information about myself. I am 33 years old. I am the mother of two beautiful, spunky, full of life children, aged 2 and 6. I married my husband on May 7, 2010. I am a paralegal and recently changed jobs after 4 years with the same office. It has been quite a change for me. So, follow me as I outline the craziness in my life.....and hold on because it is a bumpy ride most of the time!
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